Fic: Travel Safe (Supernatural)

[vaznetti]

I was thinking the other day that from John's perspective, the events of the finale only narrowly miss being the worst possible outcome; then this happened.

Title: Travel Safe
Author: Vanzetti
Gen, G, John Winchester
Spoilers for Devil's Trap
Summary: This is not a story about hope.


Bobby hardly says a word the whole way to Lincoln, nothing beyond what's necessary. He waits with John until the tow truck comes, then turns around and says, "Guess I'll head back and check on those boys of yours." Neutral, like John can't tell exactly what Bobby thinks about it. John mutters, "Travel safe," and that's it. Bobby's gone.

Crazy to leave the truck out here, unsecured in a place like this. He's got a lot of hardware stored in it, got a lot of time invested in it too. He waited as long as he could, until he knew for sure that Dean was going to wake up again. Signed himself out AMA, like that mattered to him. What did they think, he was gonna sit by his son's bed and watch him heal from the wounds John himself made? And he sure as hell wasn't sticking around so they could pump him full of drugs that left him slow and sleepy. He has a hard enough time controlling his thoughts when he's awake: let his mind wander and all he can hear is his son pleading with him, calling him Daddy like a little boy.

Enough of that, he tells himself.

They tell him the truck won't be ready 'til tomorrow; he tells them he can fit the damned tires himself if they'll give him a place to work. The guy at the desk starts spouting some bullshit about liability and insurance; it's a relief to have something to lose his temper at. Ends up storming out, though, and has take the truck down the road to the next place. By then it's so late that they tell him tomorrow, too.

There's a cheap motel along the strip, all thin walls and rusty carpet. John dumps his bag on the floor and lies back on the bed. Doesn't seem worth it to take a shower. His phone rings; he doesn't answer it, just lies there and listens to it ring again and again, wishing he'd hit the liquor store before checking in. Sam will give up, eventually. Come tomorrow John will start checking the papers again, strike out west, maybe, anywhere but Missouri. Anywhere but the bed his boy was lying in, bloodless and mute. Anywhere but the bare room where he might have to meet his younger son's eyes.

Sam should have killed him when he had the chance.

end.

Comments

[eloise-bright.livejournal.com]

That hurts.

Like a punch to the gut.

He has a hard enough time controlling his thoughts when he's awake: let his mind wander and all he can hear is his son pleading with him, calling him Daddy like a little boy.

Enough of that, he tells himself.

Nicely done.

[vaznetti]

Poor John. I think he has to be in a lot of pain, after all that.

And thank you!

[embroiderama]

Okay, my feelings on that are approximately this: Waaaaaaah!

Your insight into John's character hurts. Great job!

[vaznetti]

Thank you!

And I think "Waaah!" sums it up pretty well.

[jellicle.livejournal.com]

Full of guilt, John took the easy way out, run away. Yep, sounds pretty in character for me. Nice job.

[vaznetti]

I don't think running away is John's first instinct, but he's done something here he just can't face. There's just no good choice for him.

And thanks!

[impertinence.livejournal.com]

Oh, OW.

This hits where it hurts. Wonderful job.

[vaznetti]

Thank you.

And it hurt me too, writing it out.

[coiledsoul.livejournal.com]

Damn. That's hard. good work.

[vaznetti]

Thank you! And yes, it's hard all arund.

Lovely icon, by the way.

[kiraboshi.livejournal.com]

You should have SEEN how excited I got when I saw you'd written a Supernatural fic. Holy crap. I've *always* adored your writing in the Alias fandom, and feel like the fandom's gaining something great by having you write fiction, even this short. Because this is damn good, amazing John point of view, and I don't just say that to everyone (because I'm awefully protective of John).

*claps*

[vaznetti]

OK, now I'm blushing. Thank you! (I've written a bit more in this fandom, a lot of it about John; you can find it here. Mostly drabbles, with one longer piece.)

I'm protective of John as well -- which is not to say that I think he's right all the time, but he's such an interesting and complicated character and I find I really like looking at the world from his point of view. I think that a lot of the time, John doesn't have a good option, so he's stuck trying to figure out what the least bad thing is -- at least, the least bad thing for Sam and Dean.

[bluesister.livejournal.com]

What did they think, he was gonna sit by his son's bed and watch him heal from the wounds John himself made?

Intellectually, he knows he didn't do it but, yeah, that would be hell to get over even if you were emotionally healthy. Rich, chewy stuff. Thank you.

[vaznetti]

Thanks!

Intellectually, he knows he didn't do it but, yeah, that would be hell to get over even if you were emotionally healthy.

I'm not even sure about this; I think he thinks he was responsible for what happened, even if he wasn't in control of himself -- I think that John is pretty hard on himself, a lot of the time.

And you know, hurting your kids like that -- for him that's the got to be the one unforgivable thing.

[phantomas.livejournal.com]

Hurts SO good. John's voice, there, perfect. Would say more if I had the brain for it (way late here).
thank you.

[vaznetti]

Thank you -- I'm glad yu liked it.

And also -- sorry for not commenting, but I've been reading your posts, and I'm thinking of you.

[lady-octavia.livejournal.com]

ouch! *wimpers*

Dear Papa,

SNAP OUT OF IT!!

love,

lady o

[vaznetti]

Dear Papa,

SNAP OUT OF IT!!

love,

lady o

I totally agree with you here -- I just don't think it's what John would do! Instead he'll beat himself up about it.

And thank you!

[tsuki-no-bara.livejournal.com]

oh wow, this is good. a really believable john, guilt-ridden and sort of aimlessly angry (it's a relief to have something to lose his temper at). part of me is thinking "yay, you let him live," but at the same time, ouch. he's wishing he hadn't.

[vaznetti]

part of me is thinking "yay, you let him live," but at the same time, ouch. he's wishing he hadn't.

Yeah. I think living with what happened is going to be hard for John; he's angry at himself, and a little at Sam, but he can't get a handle on that.

[dodger-winslow.livejournal.com]

Oooooooow.

This is beautiful. Painfully so, but true, too true.

[vaznetti]

Thank you. And yes, I think this is pretty much where John would be, after what he did. Because that's how he'd see it -- not what was done to him.

[wickedtruth.livejournal.com]

Ouch. That was painful, and wonderful. Thanks for posting.

[vaznetti]

Thank you. I'm glad you liked it, even if it hurt a bit.

[iamstealthyone.livejournal.com]

Good job here getting into John's head, and showing how the demon possession screwed up all three Winchesters. In just a short amount of space, you nicely captured the destruction.

Favorite line:

Sam should have killed him when he had the chance.

Ouch. Just ... ouch.

[vaznetti]

Good job here getting into John's head, and showing how the demon possession screwed up all three Winchesters. In just a short amount of space, you nicely captured the destruction.

I really think that the demon won that encounter, even if in the end it was driven out of John before getting whatever it wanted from Sam. Because that's always going to be there for them, that John nearly killed Dean. And for John as a father that's just unforgivable.

And thank you!

[iamstealthyone.livejournal.com]

I really think that the demon won that encounter, even if in the end it was driven out of John before getting whatever it wanted from Sam. Because that's always going to be there for them, that John nearly killed Dean. And for John as a father that's just unforgivable.

Yeah, the demon definitely wreaked some serious havoc on John. It'll be interesting to see how they handle the aftermath on the show, that's for sure.

[starhawk2005.livejournal.com]

What did they think, he was gonna sit by his son's bed and watch him heal from the wounds John himself made?

Ouch! *pets John*

Awww, poor John. Man, they'd better not do this in canon, or I'm gonna be pissed.

Nice stuff! ;)

[vaznetti]

You have to admit that it's the kind of avoidance thing John would probably do, though -- just take off, no explanations. Explanations are for the weak. And yeah, it would hurt, but he'd do it anyway.

Thank you!

[starhawk2005.livejournal.com]

Oh, I agree he'd avoid. Maybe not because 'explanations are for the weak' (although that's surely possible), but maybe just because of the extreme discomfort which comes from facing them?

[vaznetti]

Maybe not because 'explanations are for the weak' (although that's surely possible), but maybe just because of the extreme discomfort which comes from facing them?

It's possible that I was just being overdramatic there. But John seems to me to have a habit of not explaining himself to his sons, even when it would seem like a resonable thing to do -- for instance, in DMB he keeps a certain amount of information to himself as long as possible. I think John just doesn't like explaining himself to his sons anyway -- and add in a situation that's extraordinarily uncomfortable anyway and... you know, leaving without a word seemed like what he'd do.

[starhawk2005.livejournal.com]

I think John just doesn't like explaining himself to his sons anyway -- and add in a situation that's extraordinarily uncomfortable anyway and... you know, leaving without a word seemed like what he'd do.

Oh, quite probably. I think that 'lack of explaining' is due in large part to his military background, though. He sees himself as the 'general' in their little Army of Three, and the privates aren't supposed to question the Leader. Not that he's right to go about things that way, mind you, I'm just saying...

[mandysbitch.livejournal.com]

He has a hard enough time controlling his thoughts when he's awake: let his mind wander and all he can hear is his son pleading with him, calling him Daddy like a little boy.

Yes! *Sob* Didn't that just break your heart?

Sam should have killed him when he had the chance.

Ow. But it just *had* to be John's state of mind after that whole scene - he really teeters on that 'what am I worth to them?' line, doesn't he? He's halfway homicidal and the other half suicidal. It makes him a great character.

Short fic - and yet so much to think about. *g*

[vaznetti]

The more I think about it, the more I think being killed by Sam was a really good outcome from John's perspective -- gets rid of the demon and there will be no awkward moments trying to decide what do do with himself now that it's gone. Win-win!

He's halfway homicidal and the other half suicidal. It makes him a great character.

Definitely. And you know, Dean had to have learnt the "bottle up all your pain and then express it by doing violence to something" trick somewhere.

[barkley.livejournal.com]

Oh, this was nice and hurtful. It sounds so real in terms of the possibilities of what could happen.

[vaznetti]

It's the kind of idiotic thing I could see John doing. (Clarifies to say -- I am very, very fond of John Winchester. But sometimes he does things which seem pretty idiotic to me.)

Thank you!

[rez-lo.livejournal.com]

As you can probably tell, I'm working my way backward through your fic posts now that I've finished watching the season. John's voice is wonderful here, but what I like most about it is that it underscores how John always seems to make decisions from a position of weakness, or the assumption of weakness, or... maybe defeat/retreat is a better word. There's a sense that his quest for the demon is also a flight from the wreckage he couldn't prevent the demon from creating, and that this is repeated and repeated again.

In short, lovely. And the style's terrific.

[vaznetti]

There's a sense that his quest for the demon is also a flight from the wreckage he couldn't prevent the demon from creating, and that this is repeated and repeated again.

And some fans would argue that John recreates that wreckage -- or at least prevents any healing from taking place -- in the life he chooses for himself and his sons. I think that a big chunk of John's soul is still trapped in that room, watching Mary burn above him, which makes me a little more fogiving of John's inability to move on.

I'm not sure about the assumption of weakness. I think that there are things John knows how to deal with -- things he can kill, basically -- and then there's the vastness of the world outside his control, which in his mind, at least, is hostile and dangerous. And here, after becoming the thing that harmed his family, he's in a pretty fragile state.

That's kind of garbled, isn't it?